On days like today....

It is days like today that remind me of falling in love with him. Days that i feel free and alive..... it was during this time that last spring that i realized he was the one...the one i wanted to spend the rest of my life with....the one that God had made for me and I for him. It was during this time that last spring that i grew up the most.... on those amazing sunny days and those cool spring night....i became who i was supposed to be. I grew up and learned so much during that time......and the spring sunshine still reminds me of that feeling...it takes me back to that place that wasnt so long ago...it was and is still the best feeling in the world to be in love....and i wouldnt trade what God has given me and allowed me to experience for anything....

This tie that binds....

When is it time to cut the ties that bind me to my parents wishes and commands for my life? At what point can i claim this step into adult hood and stand up to them? When can i stop being their little puppet and start making my own decisions?

I am torn. Completely torn. The past year, i have learned how to be my own person. And i think i have shown that to everyone. But not to my parents. Becuase they are paying for my education, i feel that i still owe them the gratification of still having their last child under thier control. But i am 20 years old.....im not 12 anymore. I truly believe that it is time for me to break those ties. And yes- i know that they want to pay for my education.....but when that starts becomming their excuse for not letting me do something, i loose all respect for them.

I want to go against them, so badly. But i feel like i cant yet- because of the money thing. I feel like because they are paying, then i still must obey their every wish. But i do not, by any means, agree with them on this....I think that i should be able to make me own decisions....and be my own person. And the way its always gone, i am supposed to respect them in their decisions for my life and what they think is best for me. But i dont. Not anymore. Not on this decision. I dont respect them at all because i dont agree with it. If anything, i resent the fact that they wont let me make my own decisions. They think that it is a mistake. But they have to realize that they cant protect me my entire life. They have to let me go. And even if the decisions i make are mistakes, then so be it. I will learn from them.

I guess the point im trying to make is that i am mad at them for not letting my go, but i am more mad at myself for once again giving into them and doing what they want me to do. I want to stand up to them. i want them to understand that they cant control me forever. But like always, i feel obligated to respect them. But can i pretend to respect them? That doesnt seem like something i should have to do. I would truley respect them if they let me be my own person. I would truley respect if they would let me go. I would truley respect them if they would understand that i am an adult now, and therefore, they have to treat me like one....

But like i said....it is the tie that binds.....

Job 38

"Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorant words?... Where were you when I laid that foundation of the earth...Who laid that cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who defined the boundaries of the sea as it burst from the wormb, and as I clothed it with clouds and thich darkness?... Have you ever commanded the morning to appear and caused the dawn to rise in the east? Have you ever told the daylight to spread to the ends of the earth, to bring an end to the nights wickedness?...Have you explored the springs from which the seas came? Have you walked about and explored their depths? Do you known where the gates of death are located? Have you seen the gates of utter gloom?... Where does the light come from, and where does darkness go? Can you take it home? do you know how to get there?... Have you visited the treasuries of the snow? Have you seen where the hail is made and stored?... Where is the home of the east wind? Who created the channel of the torrents of rain? Who laid out the path for lightining? Who makes the rain fall on barren land, in a desert where noone lives? Who sends the rain that satisfies the parched ground and maked the tender grass spring up? Does the rain have a father? Where does the dew come from? Who is the mother of ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens? Can you hold back the movements of the starts?... Can you ensure the proper sequence of the seasons or quide the heavens? Do you know the laws of the universe and how God rules the earth? Can you shouth to the clouds and make it rain? Can you make lightning appear and cause it to strick as you direct it? Who gives intuition and instinct? Who is wise enough to count all the clouds?..." -God. Job 38

How...

How can I turn and face You?
How can I ever feel righteous in Your eyes again?
How can I accept the forgiveness you offer,
When I can't break free from my sin?

How can I trust now-
After everything that has been done?
How can I appreciate the love you give,
When I feel like the devil has won?

How can I get up and run,
When I am surrounded by walls on every side?
I see You, Lord, there in the distance.
I see Your arms open wide.

But when will I loose sight of that-
Those are that embrace?
When will it be too late
For me to turn around and see Your face?

My biggest fear await the day
When You return victoriously...
I know that I have sinned Lord.
But will You still be disappointed in me?

I push the line day after day.
I see how far I can go.
I hate that when the time comes,
It's always so hard to let go.

You say in Hosea
That there is a time to come,
When You will lead me into the wilderness
So I can learn where my Help comes from.

So is that what You are doing, God?
Is that where I am?
Or did I lead myself to this place,
Alone and standing of shifting sand?

When Harry Met Sally

"I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your cologne on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." -When Harry Met Sally

People Watching...

I love people watching...you learn so much from people- be it people that you know or people that you dont know, people that are your cloest friend or people that are merely aquaintences, people that are part of your family or people that have gone before you...

I remember growing up- watching my grandmama and pappy. My grandma was one of, if not the, strongest women i know. Not only did she raise my father- but she did it better than anyone could. She was strong- both as a woman and a Christian and a mother. I remember going to McLeoud and sitting by her. During the service, i remember trying to do just what she did, trying to behave to make her proud. I hope that i did- and i hope i still am now. I remember when she died. It didnt come as a surprise to me becuase she had been sick for a while. I remember the hurt that i felt when she got the point when she didnt know who i was anymore. I think that i saw her once in the last 3 months of her life. I just couldnt bring myself to go see her. i knew that she would understand. I wanted my last memories of her to be the same they had always been....i didnt want to remember her as a women so badley beat by age....i wanted to remember the same grandmama that i had already known my whole life. It hurt more than i could ever put into words to ee my grandmama, the strongest woman in my life so phsically weak. My only peace about her death wa knowing that she was not in pain anymore, and that her identity in Christ was her strongest attribute. I know she is in heaven right now and God is busy filling her crown with all of the jewels she deserves!!

I think what made my grandma so strong was her marraige to my Pappy. My Pappy was a hell of a man....there is no other way to describe him. He was amazing and there is no doubt that my father is a product of him. He was one of the smartest men i know- probably the smartest- although he only completed 11 grades of school- thats all he needed. He was already smart enough. He had a heart of gold. He allowed God to be his strength. in the 15 years of my life that he was in, i never heard him raise his voice. When he spoke, everyone listened. When he spoke, his words were soft, but firm. I was his curly top. His death came as such a shock to me- to everyone. He died in his sleep. When grandmama was telling about that night, she said that he went to sleep before her, which never happened. When she came to bed about an hour later, she patted him like they always did before they when to bed, and for the first time in her life, he didnt pat back. She knew then- but in her strength, she wanted to spend one last night with the love of her life. So she did. She slept one more night with pappy in that bed, knowing that he was already gone. The next morning, she called my aunt, her sister, and the day went on...I know that my pappy is in heaven now. I cant wait to see him again...

Boundless Desire......

When I can nno more stir my soul to move, And life is but the ashes of a fire....When I can but remember that my heart once used to live, long, love, and aspire....Be thou the first, the One thou art....Be thou the calling before all answering love, and wake in my hope, fear, and boundless desire.....

Take My World Apart....

I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high. And like Icarus, I collide with a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to live and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of the One who loves deeper than the ocean, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache.
Can I be the one to sacrafice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow? Take my world apart! I am on my knees- Take my world apart! I am broken on my knees. All said and done, I stand alone- amongst the remains of a life I should not own.
It takes all I am to believe, in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart.
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and I wipe away the crimson stain that dull the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride i gave up not so long ago. So steal my heart, Lord, and take this pain, and wash my feet, and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the tears, the sin soaked heart and make it yours. Take my world apart. Take it now and serve the ones that I despise, speak the words i cant deny, watch the world I used to know fall to dust and blow away.
I look beyond the empty cross fogetting what my life has cost. So wipe away the crimson stain that dull the nails that still remain. So Lord, steal my heart and take my pain, take the selfish, take the pride. Take the weak and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take the tears......Take my world apart!!!